Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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