Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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