pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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