Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize