ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
