Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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