Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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