Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
