why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
a search helicopter?!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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