i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
