yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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