its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
