you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
