last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
