I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Randomize
