I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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