Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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