i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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