Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
