i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
