WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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