Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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