If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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