I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
