my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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