I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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