I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
