Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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