dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
