That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
And then he peed in my hair
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