can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
