I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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