i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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