my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
