i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
