I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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