I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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