I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You left your phone here
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