Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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