He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
