"it" just moved
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
