You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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