We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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