I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Randomize
