I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
