My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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