I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
