fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
