I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
