Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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