my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dignity is for republicans.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Randomize
