he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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