So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
