Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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