I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
