I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
